


Finding Attachment

by Gweargroal



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, Pre-War, each part has its feature, wanted to explore this weird season finale, work in three parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-10-06 21:34:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17353007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gweargroal/pseuds/Gweargroal
Summary: Work made in three parts to explore the dynamics behind the season 8 finale.Any relationship has its complications. Some seem calm and free, others are buried through burden. Losing the people we love takes a strength few thinks they possess; although it is life to get through the hardships and harvest what we can from it.





	1. Part one

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Habitacion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Habitacion/gifts).



> Know that english is not my first language, French is, so there will be sentences that sounds weird grammatically. I'm sorry and try to improve myself as much as possible.
> 
> It was written after being inspired by NoBeardSa and Thegreatmassofdicks on twitter. Thank you for reading!

Part 1

 

Adam knew when to let go. He was at this point now. It was only futility to try and keep hoping Shiro would stay. He did love him, but the more time passed, the more he knew they were at cross way. He could not keep him from dreaming big, from attaining the stars and explore the universe, even though it meant bigger risks than he would have liked.

“If you decide to go, don’t expect me to be here when you come back.” Those were the words he had told him. It hurt when he said them, and he secretly hoped that it would mean so much for his lover and that he would stay with him, until it ended.

Every decisions in life was a risk when you looked at it. Here, he had taken the risk of posing this petty ultimatum, even though he knew it would bring them further apart. He was not blind. Each passing weeks he could see how Shiro, despite slowly dying, wanted to achieve his dreams. And he could not hold it against him, even if he did held those shared and sacred moments together.

When Kerberos parted for the stars, he kept his emotions at bay. There was no necessity to grieve something that Shiro did not share anymore with him. When he reached their shared dorm, the pain flared up. Was it irrational of him to have wanted Shiro to stay with him? To play it safely, to be with whom he loved as much? He hit the wall with his fists that night, before sleep finally greeted him as he curled his body into the smallest ball, holding his knees tight against his chest, making it painful to breath in between sobs.

He thought he had cried all of what he could of their ending relationship. Still, it was once you let your loved one go that it becomes the hardest. Pouring all of his heart into his job so one day he would soar through the air did give him a bit of solace; he had to remain focused to not let his mind slip for a tiny fraction of seconds. It all came down at night, when he revisited those moments in his dreams, despite relying on every facts that he wasn’t as important as he had thought to be for Shiro.

Those smiles, those eyes challenging him, bringing out the best out of himself, only to catch up to Shiro who had his series of achievements. Adam was proud to know he had helped him get there, and it was a silver lining to have brought him to take his chances despite the illness.

At some point he had known it would end either way. Shiro had always been dreaming of reaching the galaxy, and he would not let anything stand in its way. It was only in an organic way that he had followed him and give him a hand to achieve his goal. Letting him go was the last thing he had to do, because he knew his lover wouldn’t have put it out so clearly.

Communicating about his feelings weren’t his forte, they had both learned through fights.

“You should have told me,” he had let out one night, holding him close as they both let their heartbeats come back to a peaceful rhythm.

Through his blurry vision he saw the sadness in those dark eyes. “When did you figure it out?”

Adam bit his lips and instead shifted from his lying position to rest on his elbow, watching his other hand caress the faded scars right under his chest. “I want to marry you, Shiro.” He ignored the widening looks he was given, focusing how the muscles imperceptibly flexed when he traced them down until resting near the pelvis. “You don’t need to be alone in this, and I want to be there for you no matter what.” And he had held his promise so far, until it was not enough for his partner.

“Why not wait for his return?” Colleen had asked him once, both on a break into the Garrison cafeteria, sipping coffee and watching him coming back to earth at her question with a calm stare.

He had closed his eyes momentarily, cleaning his glasses while putting his jumble thoughts back together again. “What would it bring me. I believe we were done, already. We outgrew it. He doesn’t need my protection anymore…” He hated that his weariness was so apparent.

A small smile formed on Colleen’s lips, her eyes softening. “You still tried until the end. Give yourself time to heal your wounds and see where it goes when he comes back.” She had chuckled at rising eyebrows and the piercing look she was given. “You have too much pride, Adam.” 

Did he? The words kept ringing into his ears, making their ways into his mind, putting down his wall of logic and facts. The anger he had felt left place to resentment. But slowly, maybe Colleen was right. Damn, she definitely knew them better than he thought. Or was it simply what she had understood of life as years had passed?

He laughed eventually at his own stubbornness. Who, out of him and Shiro, would hold this petty ultimatum, he wondered. Which he easily knew the answer to: he would have to be the first one to step up to it before putting it down. If he truly wanted to be with him until the end, despite what it entailed, they had gone through too much to let it slide for his ego.

When the news broke of the Kerberos mission failing, all of his logic and reason failed him again. He should not have imagined,- hoped for something more. Worse, now, has he had to mourn him sooner than what he had expected. He now had to truly let go of his friend, of his ex-fiancé. And he felt horrible at those thoughts. He felt horrible for seeing it that way. He felt horrible for being unable to process this in a logical manner. Their job meant risk, people died, accident happened and there was no way around it.

Why did he feel like he missed an opportunity, something he hadn’t seen before? They had not really spoken after Shiro had announced him he would leave.

“I see,” he tried not to hiss.

“Don’t be like that, Adam,” had grunted Shiro, before one of his palm hid his face and he took a breathe. He had crossed his arms on his chest in defiance, glaring into Shiro’s eyes when he could see them once more. A sigh wa let out by his lover. “I want to do this. And you know better than anyone why. It’s my life, or what’s left of it that we’re talking about.”

He could not ignore the sourness he felt in his mouth at that moment, despite the strong hand holding his arms, trying to get him to change his mood. He had studied the floor for a moment, calculating what he could say and should not say; many words were at the tip of his tongue. “I get it. I wish you success, Shirogane.”

He cringed at his own memories of it, adjusting the running speed of his treadmill. The last image of him saying he understood and wished him well, before leaving him into the hallway.

“Fuck that,” he muttered, realising that exercising wouldn’t bring any peace at the moment. He still had ton of documents to sort out now that he was gaining a new rank.

“Hey, Wilson!”

He looked up to the brown skinned man walking up to him, secretly hoping someone would pass by, but it was late and only two or three others persons were training at this time of the night, excluding them.

They had started to talk from time to time while training. They had known each other, but never had really talked other than glances and nod of acknowledgement in their cadet training. Curtis was way too emotional for him.

“Hey, Curtis. I’m done training, you can have the treadmill.” He passed him without much of a glance, ignoring the uneasy smile the tall man had offered him, putting his towel on his shoulders and heading for a much needed shower.

He was surprised to find out Curtis had turned back and joined him just as he was to hop under the hot stream of water, but it was sooned replaced by faint annoyance, hoping to scare him away.

“I wondered if maybe you would have liked to eat sometimes or the other.” There, he had finally said it, and Adam could only praise his boldness. He knew Curtis was pinning for him, it was evident from his repetitive trial and error to approach him. Over time he had let him share his table while he ate, barely answering, acting out a semblance of camaraderie.

It was his body needing to put the steam away that made him loosen the fresh towel he hold around is waist, his other cupping Curtis jaw before kissing him in a heated fashion. He groaned of pleasure when the ardent desire was given back, towels falling, hands roaming and clothes discarded.

They both didn’t fully register when they got under the water, but they both smiled hungrily as they closed the used curtain of the shared lavatory, their members pulsing for each touch and strokes given until Adam back touched the cold and humid tiles. Grinding against each other, Curtis obliged to the nudges he was given to switch positions, his body impatient as he was now trapped between Adam Wilson and the tiled wall.

He hadn’t thought it would pan out this way. He barely knew him and he didn’t fully know what it was that he was seeking, yet his body more than wanted it. He let out a moan as he felt a wet finger breach him with care in rhythm with each strokes he gave Adam.

“Did you bring any condom?” He barely registered the question that was breathed out.

Oh. He shook his head. “I… Aah- I didn’t think… you would be this-” He bit his lips as he felt fingers brushing right at the good place, rolling his eyes in pleasure, arching his back. He felt a tinge as they slipped out of him.

“Wait a sec.” He smiled at the order he was given, his hands taking the matter on their own accord as his eyes closed once more.

Adam shuffled with his training bag before finding the condoms he knew he had. He didn’t stop to think if what he was doing was a good idea. He just wanted it, and for once of those rare moments, his mind effectively wanted to think of something else as he slipped it on.

Entering the sower, he felt heat in his groin at the sight of his fellow officer pleasuring himself. He kissed him once more, tongues playing, hands roaming over skin, their body grinding. “Turn around,” he whispered into Curtis ear.

 

***

The fact that they both were not working in the same area helped Adam to compartmentalize what he had decided. He had let his body roll with it, and it had made him feel better than he had in many weeks. He had relished the control he had had, and then he found himself desiring it once more.

He hadn’t taken any time to talk with him, untangle what it was that they were doing. But they had fallen into this pattern of seeking each other whenever was possible. He couldn’t keep himself from shuddering when he would slipped in until their skin touched. It had been such a long time he hadn’t felt that way.

He smiled when Curtis went and sit with him at his table, chatting happily. He was happy for his newfound friend when he told him had gained a communication operator position. They made it into their bedroom far more often than hoped for. The openness Adam showed was enough for Curtis. They were comfortable around each other, and that was what matter to Adam.

When Sam Holt came back, many emotions rushed through him. Learning Shiro was alive quelled the wound he wore for so many years. At last he would be able to finally close things properly with him. Tell him that he was sorry to have ended things that way, and that he was glad he could fulfill his dreams. How it had been immature of him to do it this way.

They would be able to mend this, and be friends. And this is exactly what he felt was right. As he was fixing the ceiling, buried in his thoughts while one hand rested against Curtis’ back and brushed his soft skin absentmindedly, he felt how everything was the way they should be. Despite the looming war, he thought they were going to be okay.

This renewed hope and general lighter mood coming from Adam made Curtis happier. 

None of them had figured it would end so fast. When hell broke loose, fear installed itself deeply into their gut. Adam was sent against those Galra, Curtis was at his station, unable to do anything more than watch Adam’s scadron be turned into ashes. Not even realizing that that was it.

There were so much to do to survive the attack. He did not know how long it had been before he finally could rest in his quarter, sliding against the now closed door onto the floor. Into his silent chambers he let out ugly sobs, tears rolling down his cheeks, unable to breathe. He looked at his trembling hands and wondered how he could make such a blatant mistake. He should have made it harder and safer to decrypt that message.

And despite the night being restless, he went back to his station, only to find himself unable to function, trembling and searching his breathe. He was dying, that was it. Oh, at first he thought that would have been better than having to be reassigned. The only sight of his station made him uneasy, sometimes he would simply vomit his lunch after a while that seemed unbearable.

He tried to find out if his family was alright, but communications were hazardous. They lived in New York Central, were a lot of skyscrapers had been hit, and he could only mourn them once more, thinking of all the people he knew who probably lost loved ones too while moving crates and helping organize refugees.

This new regimen kept him busy despite his feelings, time only helping to wash the pain away, finding a new fond resolution to help the one in needs until he would be able to get back to his station.

“It was not your fault, you know?” said Mr. Holt, squeezing his shoulder lightly as they stood in front of Adam’s memorial. “I should have thought about it too.”

He bit his lips, scratching his forehead. “I know,” he finally said, his hands resting back in their pockets. “I just wished it had gone differently.”

He heard the sigh. “Me too.”

“Do you think they- that Voltron will come?”

Sam smiled sadly, taking off his glasses as he took in the memorial wall they had dressed for their fallen soldiers. “We can only hope,” he murmured, his tiredness creeping in.

 

***

 

End of part 1


	2. Part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important to know that what I write are based from how i interpret things. About the sex scenes, I made the most of it without afab language and wrote it in a way that made myself comfortable and flow naturally. About Shiro, if he seems ooc, I'm sorry and can try to make him sound more like himself with your help. I'm not used writing him. However, there are important developments here and how I moved from season 8 finale is my own take in a realistic approach from a series that jumped through important stuff that never was really looked closer at. 
> 
> On that, I want you to enjoy it! Remember there's still one side we haven't check out yet! ;)

Part two

 

When Voltron arrived, it gave everyone a chance to breathe. Curtis stayed afar from them as he didn’t try to connect with any of the Paladins, yet he had finally come back to central command into his job. They still were going through a war and uncertainty. Some were grieving lost family and loved ones, others went on to rejoice their new found ones. There was a sense of community that opened up for those who survived the ongoing war, how they regrouped and worked to make their situation better.

He hoped to help as much as he could the young MFE Pilots who were to defend their planet. He did not want the same mistake repeated twice.

Seeing Shiro at Adam’s memorial made him feel uneasy with his own grief, wondering how he could approach the subject without feeling like an intruder. He was good in communication techs; he hated himself for being awful at starting any discussions.

He pushed back his idea until he walked passed him in a hallway one day, when there were not many people. He didn’t know where he was coming back from, but he hoped it was better than nothing.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he said with precautions. He saw Shiro’s wonder for a moment, probably trying to remember where he last saw him. “I don’t want to intrude, really. I just wanted to pay my respect since you and Adam were close.”

“Huh, thanks.” There was not much to say. Yet the way he spoke of his ex with such familiarity made him frown. “And… Who are you?”

He felt his cheeks gain new colors, and tried to smile away his embarrassment. “I’m Curtis. I- Adam was my boyfriend.” Saying it somehow made his heart lighter, taking off a weight off his chest he didn’t know he had.

Shiro’s expressions softened, his muscles relaxed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I-” He stumble for a his words a small moment. “Listen, I have to go. But if you ever- I would like to talk with you when things calm down.” He hated forgetting his manner. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

Curtis had simply smiled back. “Yeah, sure.”

They both it would take a long while before they would have that chance. In between everything that was happening, he focused on helping as he much he could when he was not on duty. It hurt to watch Shiro from afar sometimes, reflecting about when Adam sometimes would let out how he had wanted a second chance to talk with him, to set the record straight. And it hurt to know his lover would never be able to do so. How he would never be able to share his life the way he used to, just like when he saw how Shiro and Keith acted together from time to time despite being on duty. The small glance, the small touch, the smiles, this unspoken trust they had for one another.

The Paladins were quite an extraordinary team, Curtis had to admit. With them they were able to get back their home and win the war. They had done it; for those who died and those to come.  
For things to come back to a kind of normal was a bit surreal. He didn’t have news from his family, and it was something else to get used to. During the war he had hoped he was wrong, now that it was over he was trying to swallow the pain of being right.

Technically, things were not officially over, it seemed there was still an outer space menace. He didn’t know the details, and he didn’t mind to not know them; Curtis had never been someone who wanted to know every details. Just doing what he had to do was enough for him, it was enough for now.

He looked up from his plate, surprised to see Shiro standing at the side of his table. “Admiral!” he stopped his motion to stand up as he saw the hands gestures, ignoring the glances they were given from the other occupants of the cafeteria.

“Don’t worry, just call me Shiro. Mind if I sit down?” he asked, smiling.

“Not at all, please. Um, thank you… Shiro, for everything. Your team- Voltron, it was amazing.” Why Adam always considered him to be the social butterfly of them both, he never really quite grasp it.

“I’m just quite glad we were able to do something. I wouldn’t have been a success without everyone.” He watched Curtis agreed, taking a forkful of his food. “Since- I’ve wanted to talk. About Adam.” The brown skinned man let the fork slowly rest onto the plate, and Shiro doubted for a moment if it had all been a good idea. Somehow, he had learn Adam’s demise a few weeks earlier, but it had been so long he had last seen him and how things were left he had healed from that part. He did feel the pain, yet in a complete different way than this man did.

Curtis finally smiled, a deep tiredness he hadn’t felt so vividly for such a long time. “Yeah, I would love too.” Because despite the tiredness settling into his bones, despite the way he had work to not approach anyone over any meaningful conversations, he had to. The small fire of bonding with someone had not been rekindled in so long that he was surprised it was still aflame.

They both smiled, unsure on where to start. “Thank you for being there with him,” Takashi said in a soft tone. “We parted on not so good terms. I’m just- Adam was fierce, and I knew he would be alright.”

Curtis laughed. “Yeah, well, he’s not someone easy to approach. But he knows what he wants-” He adjusted himself on his chair. “What he wanted.”

Yet Shiro did not let the silence strain. “Yeah, he definitely became a pilot. It’s great. We would challenged each other often back then.”

“He was amazing at it. He said there was no better high than flying. He was already a pilot when I met him.” Sharing the memories, they could not keep fond smiles away. “You know, everyone thought you were gone. When the Kerberos mission failed.” He worried when he saw Shiro’s face steel itself for a short second, before it gained back colors. “And he was sorry for how things had turned out.”

“As I was.”

“He wanted to tell you he was happy that you went and live your dream. He wanted to make sure you could remain friends.”

Shiro let out a sad chuckle. “When were we not? I hope he knows that we never ceased to be friends. We just wanted different things. Thank you, Curtis. For the talk.”

He smiled back, resting his head in his hand, his elbow against the table. “No, thank you. I mean, I’m glad you took some of your time. You must have a lot to take care of lately with the Atlas, and it means a lot that you did.”

Shiro stood up, adjusting his jacket with his prosthetic hand. “See you on the bridge.”

Working on the Atlas was not something Curtis had envisioned. He had never really imagined himself going through space, but accompanying the teams doing so was what he aimed for. He could find himself navigating space with an odd team, although reliable. Meeting alien species was an up to this adventure, still figuring out they were not the only one in the universe.

He was surprising himself to become acquainted with the Admiral. During their mission through the universe to find the enemy, they did not exchanged much, mostly focused on the ongoing task at hand. They did bump into each other, apologizing a little too long than necessary, but they left it at that.

When it all finally came to an end, they barely realized it. Voltron was not what it used to be without the Altean Princess. It took some time before they went back to space, and Curtis thought about staying on earth. Yet they could not just hang their coats and call it done; the universe was still in need to be united.

He found himself enjoying working with the crew of the Atlas and did find Shiro’s leadership refreshing. There was a difference, it was more relax to work with him than on earth. He felt that some were tired. As he looked at the stars through the bridge window, he wondered what it was to be a paladin of Voltron, to be fighter, to not be afraid to put your life on the line.

“I didn’t think you would stay with us even after saving Earth, Curtis.”

He nodded to Shiro who had stopped by his side. “Well, I did find it interesting. I want to see more of it before coming back home.” He could not keep himself from noting his weariness.

“Thinking of going back on Earth already?” He sounded sad, but Curtis could not pinpoint what it was.

“Yeah, like, retiring. Just finding another project.”

They kept silent, Shiro seemingly chasing a memory through the stars. “I would like to do that, too, I think,” he let out in one breathe, as if he was afraid he would die on the spot if he ever uttered those words.

One brown eyebrow rose. “Really? Not to be impertinent, Admiral, but you never struck me as the kind to settle on earth.”

Shiro shook his head slowly, rolling his eyes. “Don’t people change?” He ruffled his white hair with his normal hand, before letting it rest on Curtis’ one, making him turn his gaze, staring into dark, pained eyes. “And just call me Shiro, would you?”

Curtis did not know where he exactly stood on that part, yet he let himself be drawn, leaning in until their lips touched. It was not a hot, searing kiss. Much more of a chaste peck on the lips. He had not reach out before to Shiro because he had not felt that way exactly toward him. They did share memories for Adam, but what else did they have in common?

Duty called both of them and they left it without answer. They would take more time from their breaks between mission to talk about Adam, about life and what it would be once they would be back on earth. What it entailed to have saved the universe. How they missed their friends respectively. How death affected us all.

Curtis had kissed him at some point, embraced him, which Shiro gave back ten fold, both of them feeling a need to let go of what was crushing them. When Curtis started to take Shiro’s shirt off, he felt a prosthetic hand halt him, grabbing his forearm. “Is everything okay?”

“Before we take… this, any further, you need to know that I’m,” he took a deep breath, biting his lips, “I’m trans.”

Silence took place. Shiro didn’t like the fact that he was unable to read Curtis’ expression, but he let him take the hem of his shirt to lift it over his chest and lightly trace his faded scars.

“Okay. You’ll have to guide me here, but hum, sure.”

They both smiled, before Shiro closed the gap between them, kissing again, feeling desire and heat rising. “No need, I’ll take care of you. You’ll see no difference.”

They took their clothes off in between moans, wet lips and some chuckle when they knocked their head or hit the other with a knee or an elbow clumsily.

A tube of lube, protection, and Shiro was straddling Curtis, grinding his erection against his. He would have liked to have his strap on, as he always preferred it to penetration, but it would do. He let himself be touched, reeling in the sensation even if they were done with hesitation. 

Has much as Curtis definitely liked the sensations, enjoying Shiro’s flushed cheeks and taking the lead, he was not sure if doing nothing more was alright for his partner. “Do you want me to-”

He positioned himself. “No.”

“Are you sure, I didn’t ev-” He cut Curtis short by letting himself down on his member slowly, feeling his hair rise on his skin, biting his lips as how full he felt. He didn’t move for a few minutes, closing his eyes. “You okay?”

Shiro didn’t answer it other than by moving his hips slowly, the pain letting place to pleasure at each movements. He let his head fall back, his eyes half-lidded, taking in everything, letting out cries of pleasure. He felt hands holding his waist, before one trailed down on his erection and fingers gently brushed it, sending shivers of pleasure.

And for the next hour they were free of pain.

***

They did explore the stars for a little longer than what Curtis thought they would, but it was okay. He kept it for himself, as he knew Shiro was still not ready to come back to Earth, and just waited until the decision was taken.

Shiro was dedicated soldier, there was no denying it. Still, entering their shared dorm one night and finding Shiro sitting on the edge of their bed, holding himself while he was trying to shake off hurtful flashbacks, it was time for them to take a step back.

“I want you to consider it, Shiro,” he had whispered into the night once Shiro had calmed down, staring into teary eyes, both hands holding his lover face. “Aren’t you tired of fighting what it is that you are fighting?”

His eyes fled the soft, albeit determined gaze of those green eyes. He had swallowed hard, taking a deep breath, closing his eyes a moment. When he finally looked back to them, he seemed more peaceful.. “I want you to marry me, Curtis.”

“Why?” The question was valid. “I won’t go back to the stars once I’ve landed on Earth, you know that. If we are to be together more than whatever it is right now, you ought to be sure.”

“I know. Don’t worry. ”

Yet he did. What he had with Shiro was completely different than what he and Adam had had. He would have said yes without any hesitation if Adam had asked him. But he was not there anymore. If he had known. He found himself agreeing; it was now or never.

When they announced to everyone their engagement, most were surprised. Other than the crew of the Atlas, they had not tell anyone of their relationship. Most of Curtis’ friends were already aware of it - Veronica once entering on them while they were standing quite close together on the bridge late at night, stealing heated kisses and biting skin - being the ship’s crew that is, while Shiro barely took time to talk with the paladins since Allura’s memorial a year ago. Sure, the Admiral certainly did talk to them on a sporadic basis, but friendship was put aside most of the time.

The Garrison would have to deal with on of their most skilled leader retiring, while Curtis chose to participate on a project to expand their communications research with outer space. The ceremony was sober, and a few people were there. Curtis was glad to get to know a bit of everyone on that night, yet it went fast and they found themselves enjoying their honeymoon soon after.

It was a different routine, settled on Earth, one of them working at the Garrison while Shiro took each day to its fullest, discovering old passion he had left on the side. And for a few months it went remarkably well, more than what they had anticipated. There were many moments where he found himself really happy, sharing a semblance of a normal life. Though, slowly, it seemed time became longer, stretching itself until it was unbearable. he could not run from it, it was what is was, a semblance.

Between rough nights where he shook from phantom pain and trauma he still couldn’t tell Curtis or enjoying most nights with his lover, he could not chase away Keith’s ghost. What they had talked of on his wedding day resonated at the back of his mind.

“Call your friends, Shiro,” had muttered Curtis under his breath before taking a sip of his coffee, one of those mornings when both had barely slept through the night.

To what he had rolled his eyes while he put butter on his toast, installed at the end of the kitchen. “To say what? It’s not as if I had anything to tell anyone.”

Curtis was not deterred by the curt tone. “I don’t know. But there’s more to you than this. Don’t you see it?”

He rubbed one eye with his good hand as he headed toward the table to join his husband. Taking place at the small two places table, he joined his hand in front of him, his elbows resting on the table, not touching his toasts. “I’m not made for this life, Curtis.”

A sad smile painted full lips. “I know. But there’s one waiting for you. You are just running away from it. And it’s okay that it might not be with me.” He had known that this marriage was not out of love. He had accepted that. Himself was trying to figure out what would be his life. Yet, he knew it was here and he cherished every moment he had with Takashi.

He took one of Shiro’s hand, his thumb gently stroking the calloused skin, none of them wanting to break the silence, the humming of the fridge in the background. Yet Shiro did. Someone had to. “Is there something to salvage this?” 

A small sigh. “If… if you ever find out that what you are looking for is here, let me know. Otherwise, I don’t think so.”

“Hm.”

Shiro left the same evening. There was no tears, no stress other than the former black paladin taking back his life in his hand and figuring out how he would do so.

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. But hey, you’ll be alright. It’s time for you to do this.”

He waved at the ship leaving the cargo bay, letting Shiro joined the stars once more. He smiled for himself. It was time to pour his heart into his life.

***

End of part 2


	3. Part 3

Part Three

 

A spur of the moment. Those were the words running around in his head. Keith watched him walk from the other end of the room, one foot in front of the other as if walking on a plank that threatened to throw him into oblivion. To say that confidence poured out of him would be telling stories out of the semblance of who this man used to be. Before Allura’s death. Before his own death.

Was it a spur of the moment that brought him here? Shiro did not dare ask his own mind. Asking would mean to start walking toward explanations, understanding, opening up. If he was here, it was because he was ready. He had to be. He could not keep running from ghosts of the past. Seeing him geared up in a Marmora suit brought him flashbacks of unkempt promises.

“You found me.” The tone was soft despite the guarded stare he was given.

Shiro was not deterred from the lack of empathy nor the lack of etiquette. He found Keith assurance as he sat back in his chair somehow relaxing. “I did.”

“I don’t have much time to give you. Are you here for a while?”

He had left in a hurry, afraid he would give up on this if he stayed a few more days to put things in order. Going without announcing himself, without checking in if only Keith was still open to see him, or at least available. He knew it was a way to protect himself from being told no. It was all in or not at all. “As long as you’ll permit me.”

“Give me a few hours, I have a few things to clear up. Then we’ll talk.”

It was only then that he gave himself a chance to smile. “Thank you,” he whispered.

A questioning brow challenged him for a small moment, before Keith smiled and shook his head. “It’s good to see you, Shiro.”

Hearing his name made his heart flutter. “Yes it is, Keith.”

***

To say that things made more sense when Shiro came back from the dead was an understatement. For Keith, they had saved each other, as many time as it took. He knew they were closer than most friends would be. He knew he loved him.

“Then what makes you hesitate?” had asked Shiro that evening, between two briefings, now that Sendak was gone but Honerva was now back with a new threat. For Shiro, things were blurry for some of his memories - at least to just differentiate which was his from the clone, but he knew that what he felt was real. It was maybe the only thing he knew that was distinctly clear.

“I- I’ve never been interested in anyone, Shiro.” Saying it out loud made it impossible to keep himself from turning red of embarrassment. “I don’t know if I’m weird, or if it’s the Galra heritage-”

He was stopped as he felt Shiro cup his face and kiss him fiercely. It felt nice, it felt right. The robotic arm enlaced him at his waist, bringing their bodies closer as real fingers tangled with his hair. His hands themselves took their place on the former black paladin waist. For a small second they took their breath back, before Keith kissed him back.

He felt how Shiro wanted him, barely controlling his hips grinding against his, yet when he felt hands touching him down his waist, he could not help but break the contact as he pushed the taller man away  with a bit more force than would have been necessary. “I’m not… I don’t want this.” He cringed at his own words. He didn’t know how to put it, how to explain his feelings.

He saw the hurt in Shiro’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Keith. I didn’t ask you-”

“No, I am sorry, Shiro. I don’t feel any... Not the way you do. I… I need time. I love you, I do. It’s just… Not like that?”

“Is it because I don’t have...”

Keith eyes widened when he realized what he meant. “No! Not at all! I don’t mind it- it’s not because your trans.” He would always be grateful for Shiro’s openness and his trust on the matter when he had been asked to be the only one to take care of him back then.

“Okay…” They both looked at their feet, silent. “It’s okay, Keith. I get it.” The small smile he was given still did not put Keith at ease. “No worry. We’ll talk once we have stopped Honerva.” And when they did, he couldn’t recognize Shiro.

At this point, their relationship had become strained. Most of the time there was this professional distance between him and the Captain of the Atlas. His friend was disappearing before his eyes, yet he was unable to get closer due to their pertaining obligations.

And probably by how he had been unable to explain that he couldn’t understand his own self regarding his sexual orientation. If he didn’t feel attracted to Shiro, could he really love him that way? But then, was he interested in women instead? He was unable to figure it out for now.

The last blow came from Allura’s death.

Keith heard the door close behind him, his gaze focused on the tired form of Shiro sitting on the edge of the bed. Back on earth, he had been unable to get a bit of Shiro’s time, until he decided he would finally take it somehow in between their obligations. At least, before they went back to space, wouldn’t they? Because he knew once they would their path would differ once more, as he was to work to settle the Galras, and Shiro would continue his work with the Atlas team to settle the Coalition.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he sat by his side, his hand resting on his friend’s shoulder.

“No.”

Keith buckled his emotions as he saw Shiro put distance between them, standing up and letting his back face him. “Do you want to talk?” The hurt painted on Shiro’s face when he turned around would follow him everywhere for the time being.

Shiro’s eyes fled his. “There’s nothing to say, Keith. I just… need time. We lost a friend. I- We could have come up with another solution. She shouldn’t have had to sacrifice herself, she didn’t deserve this.”

“You’re right.” He didn’t say anything more, letting silence fill in for what he couldn’t say.

“Thank you for being here, but I would like to be alone for now. I’ll see you later.”

He stared at Shiro, trying to figure out what he could do. “Sure,” he had finally let out. He hoped he didn’t show his anger for being unable to help his best friend.

Pidge, Hunk and Lance tried too. Despite their words, the paladins had been unable to breach through their former comrade. And if Keith was not even able by himself, he did not know what more he could do anymore.

In the end it was Shiro who gave him space. He gave him all of space.

***

They were all so young when they saved the universe. The whirlwind of events had calmed down, yet diplomatic missions never stopped.

When they saw each other at the annual meetings, it was always a very professional Shiro that would be there. He could see from time to time the facade slip away for a small moment, always coming back.

Learning about his engagement wounded him, despite being unable to really get why. He didn’t feel any attraction toward Shiro, why would it hurt to see him find happiness with someone who could give him back what he didn’t feel he could?

“The wedding was beautiful.”

Shiro looked at him, surprised to be found. “Thank you. I’m glad you could make it.” He had perched himself on a small balcony, enjoying the calm breeze through the night, sipping his champagne.

Keith scoffed, smiling. “I wouldn’t have missed the wedding of my brother, wouldn’t I?” He saw Shiro’s eyes flicker for a moment, before turning away. Keith bit his lips, confused as to pinpoint what it meant. “You must be happy,” he let out, walking to his side, letting one arm rest on the ramp, surveying the garden in front of them.

“I… am,” Shiro said slowly. He took a deep breath of the fresh air. He shouldn’t have been surprised for Keith to find him. He didn’t really know why he needed that free time, especially on that day.

“I- If you ever find yourself needing to talk, I’ll always be here Shiro. I won’t abandon you.”

White brows knitted together, before relaxing once more. “Sure, I will. Thank you.” And they let the silence be.

Keith touched his shoulder a last time, before leaving him alone.

Shiro closed his eyes, fighting the uneasiness creeping in, the flashes of a blade that could have killed Keith. Had it been him, or was it the clone who did it? He didn’t want to know. He just wanted for the nightmares and the fear to stop each time he was close to Keith.

***

Shiro opened his eyes, drenched in sweat and his heart beating madly. He took deep breaths, realizing how his curled up body was tense, his prosthetic arm hurting from phantom pain, his teeth gritting. He took some time before sitting, discerning Keith leaning against the wall, hanging him a glass of water.

“Hey, you alright?”

Shiro took it gladly, feeling their fingers brush. “Yeah,” he croaked out. He took a sip, the fresh water quenching his thirst. “Bad dreams, that’s all.”

“You said my name.” He saw the concern in Shiro’s eyes as they plead silently, drew to his scar on his cheek. It all made sense. “You remember Kuron’s memories… Since how long?”

Shiro rubbed his eyes. “More or less after we came back to Earth.” He dared look at Keith. He saw how he stiffened, closing off. “Don’t take it on you, Keith. I came back here because I want to sort it out, really. I- Did it hurt? Did I hurt you?”

It took some time before clenched fists relaxed. “No, you didn’t. You never hurt me, Shiro.” Dark eyes finally settled on him, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you remember?”

“Actually, not much. It’s blurry. I’m not sure. I feel the emotions more than anything, now. There’s a lot of anger coming from m- the clone. Despair and resignation coming from you. I’m just… There, unable to do anything other than hoping Black will come on time.” Tears rolled down his cheeks, but he did nothing to stop them. He had bottled it up for so long. Trying to compartmentalize it by himself. Maybe there was nothing to compartmentalize about.

“And she did, Shiro.” He watched Keith take a place at his side, one hand gently resting on his shoulder, before being taken in his arms. “I should have told you how I was not afraid of you. That it was okay. I’m sorry... I didn’t.”

They both stayed like this for a long moment, Shiro trembling in Keith’s arms, apologizing repeatedly, comforted as he was not let go. He should have quelled his fear and not let them run rampant. Still, what was done he could not change it. They could only move forward.

“You’re right,” he finally admitted, scrubbing his puffy eyes with his prosthetic hand while the other touched gently Keith’s scar, as if to finally put it away, though he knew it would always be with him, deep in his soul as he was unable to do anything about it despite all his strength. But Keith would never leave him. He had not, after all those years.

Keith chuckled, still mesmerized by his impression of having switched placed with the ever so confident leader. “What did you plan to do of your time up here, Shiro?”

A small smile formed on Shiro’s face. “Nothing, really. Spending time with you and clarify things.” He played with his ring at his finger, thinking how he wanted to say his next words. “You know, we never brought the subject up again, about us, about you.”

Keith scratched his head, breathing out, “Yeah, we never did.” He dared not catch his breath as Shiro took his hand in his.

“And I still love you, you know. Even if you do not share it back that way, it’s okay. I just need time at your side. To understand where I want to go.”

Dark eyes dared blue ones. After all this time, could they still make it work? “Alright, Shiro. I asked Kolivan and my mom to take care of things for a while.”

Shiro nodded, taking in how Keith braided hair made him think of the former leader of the Marmora. “Are you sure?” he still had to ask. “I do not want to mess up any important meetings or missions you have to deal with. I did arrive without any warning.”

Keith shook his head, smiling, before taking Shiro in their usual tight hug they used to share when being paladins. “Don’t worry, I said. We have a lot of time to catch up to.”

And they did have a lot to talk of and organize. Despite Keith having some time to give him, he still had to take care of urgent matters that would come up. It did not bothered Shiro, knowing well he was here out of courtesy from Keith, and also because he didn’t know where else he could be for now. He took care over the weeks of his divorce papers, letting go of his last attachment he had on earth that would have maybe brought him back if it hadn’t worked out.

There was no loving relationship to look on, he knew that. But he felt resourcing staying with the Blades, staying with Keith, getting a sense of finding himself once more, even if he did not participate in any missions. He still helped on a few tactics and strategy, pinpointing where it was that he wanted to go after whatever that was for now.

Shiro was amazed by all the work Keith had made with the Blades since he last saw him. To turn a secret organization rebelling against an empire into a humanitarian one had been quite a task, but the former red paladin was proud. Grinning and standing straight, Keith was sight to take in. And not just in his slender form that had bulked up a bit, but still in his leadership.

“Thank you, it means a lot. I wouldn’t have been able to do so much without a great mentor,” Keith had answered, putting a loose strand of hair behind his ears.

Shiro took in the smell of the soaked soil. The planet they were was prone to quite a bit of rain, yet the vegetation was splendid and colorful. “Kolivan must be quite a great colleague to have at your side.”

“Yeah, Kolivan is indeed a great leader.” A click of tongue, narrowed eyes watching him from the side. “I meant you, Shiro.”

His hand rested on Keith shoulders, squeezing gently. “Thanks, but you did it all by yourself. I just helped you toward the right direction. It was not me who were present for the longest time.”

Keith frowned, surprised. He stopped in his track, turning to Shiro. “Don’t say that. It might not have been you directly, but you were still there.” From the time he was spending with him, he was starting to understand how much Shiro didn’t trust what was himself and what had not been. The struggle to determine where he stood in all of this. He broke the silence, his voice barely a whisper as he was facing the decision he would take a second time in a heartbeat. “I would have died for you, Takashi.”

Reaching for Shiro’s lips meant tiptoeing a bit. Taking a handful of his jacket in a strong grip, he brought the man he loved toward him, taken by surprise but not fleeing. Hesitation from Shiro let place to passion, eyes closing as the kiss deepened.

“I love you,” he whispered as they let each other take back their breath. “I’ve been loving you ever since.” He was taken in a tight hug, feeling Shiro’s sniffing his hair as he snug his head into the crook of his shoulder. “I’m here for you, I’ll always be, whenever you need to.”

The reply came with a throaty voice, “I’m sorry I took us so long.”

“We both had things to understand.” He looked to Shiro, distancing himself a bit, but their hips still touching and close. “I wanted to clarify things before you left. I’m sorry I took us so long.”

Shiro laughed, ruffling Keith’s hair. It had been so long since he had honestly laughed. It felt good to be this free, and he hoped he would have the chance to still be. “Are you coming with me then?” He grinned at Keith’s narrowing expression. “Because Krolia told me to take care of you.”

Keith scoffed, finally letting go, walking toward the ships hangar they had built. “Yes, I am,” he replied, spinning to face him and walking backward as he grinned. “I want to go and find Allura with you. I want us to explore the universe together.”

Shiro hummed happily, taking the hand offered to him firmly.

***

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked the ending. I tried to work it in a way that was satisfactory, but I'm not quite sure I got it. But I cannot keep it hidden forever, so I'm giving it to you. Feel free to let me know your opinion!
> 
> There might be a follow up, I'm still deciding. If there's one, it's going to be either an extra small chapter to this short story, or a long chaptered fic.
> 
> Until then, take care.
> 
> Gwear


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